I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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