She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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