speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize