I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
