woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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