Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
