I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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