I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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