i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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