Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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