I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
