oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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