Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
