The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
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