He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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