I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
