um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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