Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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