I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize