Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
