Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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