ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
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