At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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