My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
