I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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