My cat gives me a boner
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
