So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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