hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize