I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
