is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
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