you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Randomize
