There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
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