I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
My pussy is not your playground.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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