I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
