Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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