do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
