Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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