You don't have asthma, your pregnant
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
