I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
