Can i not drive my cunt home
I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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