the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize