You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize