I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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