I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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