He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize