Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize