Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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