if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
