I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
