If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
