I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
