if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
