i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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