I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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