wakey wakey hands off snakey
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
