we have officially lost it.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
