Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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