his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
