My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
