so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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