either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
All I want is dick and wine.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
